In God Makes the Rivers to Flow; An Anthology of the World’s Sacred Poetry & Prose, Eknath Easwaran includes a selection from the Katha Upanishad entitled “Perennial Joy.”  I’ve written the following poem-like reflections inspired by this selection.

Elusive Joy

The wise, realizing through meditation

The timeless Self, beyond all perception,

Hidden in the cave of the heart,

Leave pain and pleasure far behind.

Those who know that they are neither body

Nor mind but the immemorial Self,

The divine principle of existence,

Find the source of all joy and live in joy

Abiding.

—The Katha Upanishad

I think I have never known true joy.

When I meditate I sometimes feel

a peace that transcends the daily grind

of wanting and never having enough.

My mind sometimes stills and the pain

of never being good enough subsides, briefly.

But the world comes back to me when

I open my eyes. And I am aware of bills

to pay I have no means to pay. I am

aware of debts that linger and calls

from debt collectors, the constant

reminder that I owe more than I can spare.

I am reminded of friends who have gone away.

Lovers lost. I am reminded of the demands

of an illness I did not choose which

has taken so much from me. I am

reminded of the children I have never

been able to have. I am reminded that

I am an imperfect aunt, sister, and daughter.

I think of all the love that I could give that

I am afraid to give. I think of all the people

I push away that mean so much to me.

I think money money money money.

If I had more money, maybe then

I would be free. But it’s all an illusion.

There are few things greater than

loving and being loved in return,

but there is love greater than human

love, love that I can only know with

my soul. My body makes demands

of me. My mind tries to make sense

of this thing called life. All of me reaches

for happiness in pleasure, a good book,

a good meal, some music, some

accomplishment. I go to church

and hear about God as divine principle,

the impersonal ground of all being.

I call out in longing for a personal God,

even though an impersonal God

is all that can be trusted. A God who

loves unconditionally does not play

favorites and cannot with cajoling

and pleading be made to give more

of Itself to one or another. The timeless Self,

which dwells within me, in the cave

of my heart, knows that God is only

made personal through persons,

divine principle expresses itself

through the individual. What I want

is what I create, whether I think I want it

or not. God gives to me whatever I need

to realize the Self more. God gives to me

whatever I need to spur me on to joy.

The joy that seems so elusive, but

if I can reach peace through meditation,

if I can grasp the concepts of the holy

scriptures through study and poetry,

the joy that seems to elude me,

is calling to be found.