ad my “About the Blog” page, you already know that I have a history of mental illness. And you might have gathered that I’ve been pretty depressed about what mental illness has done to my life. That has to change.
About a month ago, I received a book recommendation you might be interested in: Making Hope Happen. Maybe this could be what I need, I thought. Maybe if I had hope, I wouldn’t have so much trouble getting and staying out of bed.
Reading the book made me realize something. A big part of my problem has been a sense of hopelessness about my future. Not only do I not expect my future to be better than the present, I expect it to be worse.
A Little Background
Let me explain. Three years ago my disability was reviewed. And I lost it. I got it back on appeal, on the grounds that I was too depressed to work full-time. This experience taught me that being on disability is not a sure thing. I could lose it again. And maybe then I wouldn’t be able to get it back on appeal.
If I could be guaranteed disability for as long as I need it, then my predictions about the future wouldn’t be so dire.
But if I lose my disability, I’ll have to find full-time work. And what can I do? Secretarial work? The thought of working forty hours a week in an office makes my throat constrict; I feel like I could choke.
What I’ve Learned
What I’ve learned from Making Hope Happen: Hopeful people believe. . .
- The future will be better than the present.
- They have the power to make it so.
- There are many paths to their goals.
- None of them is free of obstacles.
I’ve also learned that hope requires having goals that I feel good about, so good that when the going gets tough, I’ll still keep going.
An Obstacle
But what do you do if realizing your dreams seems impossible?
The first time I read through the book, I scored pretty low on the hope scale. Why? Because I want my past dreams back. I want to get a Ph.D., publish my poetry, and get a job as a creative writing professor, but I don’t want to take out any more student loans and I don’t want to relocate for school or for a job. And the process of getting published is very time-consuming.
Even without pursuing a Ph.D., I couldn’t possibly get published and get a job as a professor before my disability comes up for review. (It is up for review this year.)
An Unexpected Takeaway
One thing Lopez talks about is that sometimes people need to regoal, like, in the example he gives, when parents who have been doing everything they can to save their child’s life change their goal to helping their child pass peacefully.
That’s a disturbing example. And comparing losing my dreams to losing a child just doesn’t feel right. But the point is: I too need to regoal.
When I set about seeking hope, I thought I needed to find a way to hope for the impossible. I discovered something unexpected. I need to find new goals for the near future that I feel good about, that give me hope. But what would those goals be?
A New Goal
I’m still searching for answers. Freelance writing? Maybe. Probably. What other options are out there? I don’t know. But it’s time to dream new dreams. That doesn’t mean I’m totally giving up on my old dreams. It just means that I’m searching for a better, near future that there’s some hope I could reach.
How About You?
What gives you hope for the future? Share in the comments!
