Recently I was scolded for doing what I thought was the right thing.  I’d seen other people handle similar situations in the same way, so I thought I was following the appropriate course of action.

What I did was absolutely harmless.  The scolding was not justified.  There are kinder ways to tell someone to take a different approach.  But that didn’t matter to the other person involved.

I was devastated.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it for a couple days.  I kept trying to find a way to re-frame the conflict to re-establish peace of mind.

The Prayer of St. Francis helped.

It’s one of the sacred passages I’ve used for passage meditation for over two years.  I rotate between six passages for my meditation throughout the week.  Once or twice a week, I spend half an hour silently repeating the Prayer of St. Francis.  I don’t think about it.  I just absorb it.

As I struggled to make peace with what happened, I began to think about what the Prayer of St. Francis says about approaching conflict.

The Prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith; 
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

The Key Lesson

The key lesson The Prayer of St. Francis teaches about resolving conflict can be found in the end: It speaks of dying to self, in other words, letting go of the ego.

Truth is, I wouldn’t have been so upset if my ego weren’t involved.

The Voice of the Ego

My ego kept saying, “She shouldn’t have scolded me.  She was wrong.  What a terrible thing to do.”

And my ego said, “I shouldn’t have asked her for help. I should have just handled it myself.”

Part of me wanted to talk to a friend about it, to justify myself and make the woman who scolded me wrong.  Part of me wanted someone else to understand me and make me feel better.

Part of me wanted to confront the other person and tell her why I did what I did, to prove that I was right.

I sincerely doubted that any good could come out of this situation.  And I despaired of ever feeling better.

Applying the Prayer

In the end, I couldn’t let go until I followed St. Francis’ advice.

First, St. Francis says, “Where there is hatred, let me sow love.” How could I sow love in this situation?

Keep in mind that St. Francis also says, seek to understand without seeking to be understood.

I had to love her by trying to imagine where she was coming from, to understand her point of view, rather than seeking for her and others to understand mine.

And I had to love myself by letting go of my self-hate and blame.  I had to stop “shoulding” myself.

Also, St. Francis prays that we may seek to console rather than be consoled.  It might seem like the obvious interpretation of that is to console other people.  But in this case, I needed to console myself, rather than looking outside myself for consolation.

I could perfectly well console myself if I were willing to set aside my negative judgments of the other person and of myself.

St. Francis also seeks to replace doubt with faith. I could put my faith in God’s love and strength, rather than doubting any good could come from it.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that God’s love for me and her transcends my petty judgments of right and wrong.  These things pass.  There are ups and downs.  Anything can be healed.

And good did come from it.  It led me to do some soul-searching that made me more resilient.

Finally, I needed to follow St. Francis’ intention to replace injury with pardon.  The only way to truly feel at peace was to forgive her and wish her well, and forgive myself.  That’s love in action.

Rewards

Of course, putting the prayer into practice is hard.  But St. Francis reveals that it has its rewards.

“It is in giving we receive.”  When we give others our love, our kindness, and compassion, we receive peace and joy.

“It is in pardoning we are pardoned.” When we forgive others and ourselves, we empower others to do the same.  It is easier for them to reciprocate our kindness, and release their grudges.

“It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.”  If we let go of our egos, die to ourselves, we receive something eternal: the peace that passes understanding, the joy that does not depend on circumstances.  We become completely alive.

Freedom

It may seem paradoxical, but when we put others first by loving, understanding, giving and pardoning, we’re the ones who benefit the most.  We experience true freedom.

Practicing the Prayer of St. Francis isn’t easy.  It goes against the prevailing mindset around us.   But every step we make toward releasing the ego brings us a step closer to being an instrument of peace.  When we release our inner conflicts, conflicts with others resolve themselves.

For me, turning to the Prayer of St. Francis transformed a scolding based on a misunderstanding into an opportunity for practicing peace.

How about you?

How do you find peace when you are upset?  What is your source of consolation?  Share in the comments.